Broken and Wounded

I was talking to a schoolmate during the morning break at school. At first, we were just goofin' around and talk about Taylor Swift's songs while I play the guitar singing to her songs. And then we sung "Forever And Always" and then I started blabbing about how that song relates so much to me. And then I forgot how it came, when suddenly we started talking about my best guy friend.

I asked her if he ever told her anything about me, and she said "No. She keeps your secret with his life." and I just... feel like such a bad friend. And then she started talking about him considers me as a girlfriend, sister, and a mom (Which followed by "A mom?! What the hell?"), and he's been loving me that way since 7th grade. According to her, he's been crushing on me since then.

Boom. It hit me hard. It was a huge slap in the face. How could I be so blind? I felt really bad for him. I can't imagine how hurt he felt when I told him that I had a crush on "John Tucker", when I told him that we were going out, when Robby asked me out... I wish I could just come up to him and told him that I'm sorry. But we all know that it's not that simple.

And my friend, she said that she was hoping that I feel the same way. He's been waiting for so long, don't dissappoint him.

You don't know how much I want to feel the same way, but I just don't. Gosh, I really wish I was, and still am, but I just... don't. I don't have the vibe that I feel deep down inside my chest. Yes, I do love him. But not that way. No matter how deep I dug for that feeling, I just don't find it. How could I find it if it isn't there?

And because of our friendship. I don't wanna give it up. What if our relationship doesn't quite work out? This friendship is priceless. I wouldn't trade it for even a billion dollars, or fame, or success. I wouldn't trade it for love. Nothing in this crazy world would compare.

I'm scared. What if he suddenly asks me that question? If I say 'No', it will only tear my friensship apart and break his heart. He's been waiting for that long and the answer is 'No'. But if I say 'Yes', it'll only hurt him. Sooner or later he's gonna find out that I don't really feel the same way. And what if I like someone else? It's just gonna destroy him.

I don't know what to think!

I still remember all those memories in 7th grade. I remember how ridiculous he looked in that Winnie The Pooh apron during our first cooking task in Cuisines. I remember when people in class started teasing us when I was telling him a story. I remember the four of us racing with the other 36 students in Citizenship pop quiz. I remember the times when almost all the girls in class wouldn't talk to me because they thought he and I were dating. I remember how out-of-track we get when we started talking to each other. Those memories mean a lot to me.

I never want to see him hurt. Never do, never will. You probably wouldn't know how I feel if I hurt him, even though not on purpose.

Been listening to Taylor Swift's "Breathe" and "Teardrops On My Guitar", Colbie Caillat's "Realize", John Mayer's "Comfortable", and Yiruma's "River Flows In You" on loop for the past hour.